Clickhole: This Jeopardy Fan Theory Actually Makes Perfect Sense

[DoorNumberFour]

Wow!

[Fedya]

Since I can't be arsed to click on your clickbait, could you give us a précis?

[dale_grass]

The clickbaitiness is a Click Hole article's raison d'etre.

[jalman]

Click Hole is The Onion's answer to the BuzzFeeds and Upworthys of the world.

I clicked and, well, it's something. The explanation is long-winded and odd, but it's something.

[BrandonFG]

Click Hole is The Onion's answer to the BuzzFeeds and Upworthys of the world.

I knew it was satire and all, but had no idea it was through The Onion. And yeah, it was...something.

/Was I the only one expecting a "Kebert Xela" reference?

[Thunder]

It takes guts to post clickbait crap like this when you have this in your profile...

[DoorNumberFour]

The website Clickhole is itself a satirization of clickbait websites, and one of the overall top websites in the world. Somehow, I thought the inclusion of the name of this very popular website in the title of the thread would indicate that the link was, indeed, meant to be comical.

But nope.

[DoorNumberFour]

So here you go. Here's the text of this satirical clickbait article, because heaven forbid you click on a thing to read it.

Posted June 25, 2015

    Share
    Tweet
    Email
    Pin It

It’s one of the longest-running shows on TV, but even if you’ve watched a lot of Jeopardy!, you’ve probably never noticed this before.

According to avid Jeopardy! fan Greg Hensen, there’s a lot more to the 50-year-old game show than meets the eye, and he’s come up with a pretty compelling explanation for what’s been going on this whole time.

Read the theory Greg posted on his website earlier this week and decide for yourself:

    Okay, so the three contestants on each episode of Jeopardy! embody the conflicting forces of Past, Present, and Future, who are waging an eternal war for dominance over the universe’s matter and energy.

    The podiums they stand behind are the looms that weave the tapestry of existence, and the board is the spinning wheel that forms the thread of possibility.

In retrospect, this seems almost obvious. Now, here’s where Greg’s theory gets really interesting:

    TIME HAS NO DIRECTIONALITY.

    All of history is forever happening simultaneously; therefore, the questions on the board can quiz the contestants on any object from throughout space-time, ranging from World Capitals to Authors By Middle Name. Time innately flows neither forward nor backward; instead, entropy is governed by whichever challenger earns the most cash. Cause and effect are meaningless, and answers precede their own questions.

Incredible, right? The theory also delves a little into Alex Trebek’s backstory:

    The balancing force that prevents any of the Time Kings from triumphing is Alex Trebek, the immortal Trickster who wields his cunning intellect and omniscient knowledge to equalize entropy-power between the three temporal deities. A contestant like Great Threat Ken Jennings may hold the upper hand for a few days or weeks, but eventually they will be defeated. Upon their defeat, the Trickster will banish their current avatar and force them to create a new body. Trebek is chaos incarnate, the cackling jester who continually destroys and remakes the universe to prevent the stasis death of space-time.

Wow. Basically, Greg says that if any one of the three Time Kings ever permanently succeeds over the other two, the cosmos would be locked in a single chronal locus, freezing this entire universe and everything in it.

Now, all of that is pretty well-supported by events on the show, but the theory goes on slightly shakier ground to speculate that in addition to our own universe, in the world of Jeopardy! there are also 665 other universes created with varying degrees of good and evil:

    Morality ≠ Choice! Ethics are the fifth dimension of space-time coordinates. Each universe has its own Past, Present, and Future competing on that universe’s Jeopardy!, but there is only one Alex Trebek, who exists in all universes at once and asks the same questions. Usually, the 666 universes are fully separate, but during the DAILY DOUBLE, a doorway opens, and you can cross into another realm, or that realm’s denizens can enter our world.

    History’s greatest heroes and monsters, including Genghis Khan, Florence Nightingale, and Henry Ford, are all extraplanar invaders from universes higher or lower on the moral spectrum who crossed over during the wager.

Pretty cool, huh?

If you’re having trouble keeping track of all this, Greg drew this handy chart to illustrate his theory:

(image omitted; click on link to see it IF YOU DARE)

Wow. While we can’t really know for sure whether this is really what’s going on, it’ll certainly be interesting to watch Jeopardy! with this theory in mind.

What do you think? Does Jeopardy! take place in a single dimension that is actually part of a quantum-branching multiverse where good and evil constantly struggle over the fate of mankind? Post your thoughts in the comments!

Game Show Forum, now with 60% less whimsy!

[Thunder]

I had never visited nor heard about the Clickhole website until you politely explained what it was.

[pacdude]

I had never visited nor heard about the Clickhole website until you politely explained what it was.

I'm surprised none of your Facebook friends has ever shared a humorous Clickhole article.

[Thunder]

Nope. But now, I know.

[BrandonFG]

I had never visited nor heard about the Clickhole website until you politely explained what it was.

I'm surprised none of your Facebook friends has ever shared a humorous Clickhole article.

Even though it's an offshoot of The Onion, it doesn't seem to be a site that gets widely shared, at least not amongst my Facebook timeline. I could prolly count on one hand how many people I've seen share an article.

/My FB friends have also never heard of Snopes, apparently

[Fedya]

Ditto what Thunder said, and to Pacdude's reply, some of us don't do Facebook.

[Casey]

I do have a Facebook account that I visit with some regularity, and I certainly had never heard of "clickhole" until this thread. 

[Jimmy Owen]

Didn't know about "Clickhole" before and neither did any of my Facebook friends.